It's Deep & Just how I'm feeling right now ...

You know how you want to do something but it’s hard to get going? You know you should get started … but you are too lazy to take that first step? No matter how much you realize it’s the right thing to do & you will be such a better, happier & healthier person because of it? That’s me right now. I’m working on eliminating some things from my food pantry. I’m trying to slowly work towards eating better. So why am I having such a hard time taking the step to go exercise? I don’t know. I don’t like the person I see in the mirror, especially naked. I don’t like the extra weight I’m carrying. I’m not happy with myself.

I can talk about so many other things but when it comes to taking care of my weight, I fail. I can sit here all day long & talk about a million things. Never my weight or my lack of motivation to change. I’ve struggled with this all my adult life. When I got pregnant at 17 with my first child, I gained quite a bit of weight. The doctors never told me that I shouldn’t literally eat for 2. Or that I should stay active. Or that I should do certain exercises after childbirth. 4 years later, with my second child, I again gained weight. This was not good since I never totally lost the weight from the first child. I still was not given the info about how to take care of myself or how to get weight back off afterward. Sad. And I was only 22 by this point.

I’ve gone to gyms several times in the last 25 years. Most of the time it seemed like a chore. Or something I was supposed to do. Not something I really wanted to do. The last gym I went to was in Florida. My oldest daughter bought me a one year membership. I was at a point in my life where I was ready to go, alone even. I wanted to change. Once I got into the habit of going, it became addicting. I loved it. I loved how I felt. I was losing weight, toning up & feeling better. Then a hurricane came & shut down the town for weeks. By the time the gym was reopened, I had lost my drive. It was just gone. Perhaps it was the life changing experience of the hurricane. Who knows. Whatever the reason, my drive was just gone.

Last year I thought I was ready to try again in a gym. But I felt like I needed a buddy. Not sure why. I talked about how cool it would be to go to a gym again. I even got kind of excited. My daughter began to get excited too. She wanted something to help her tone up & lose a few pounds too. So, being the wonderful daughter she is, she bought a one year membership for both of us to a local gym near our home. This was to be my holiday gift from her.

Then, she got the job working as a night stocker. Her life changed. She is now getting most of the exercise she wants from work. She’s already lost weight. She sleeps when I’m awake. I sleep when she’s awake. How are we going to be able to go to the gym together? Well, we’re not. We talked & she said the only time might even think about going now would be on a day off. And that’s a maybe. I previously wrote about me asking 2 friends to go with me. It turns out that the first friend I asked is not going to work. I think we are at different points in our lives. Her priorities are way different than mine. There is another friend I can ask. I'm not sure she would go either tho. I know she would welcome the free membership. But I don’t know that we could coordinate our schedules to go together. She is a SAHM but is active in our fellowship & other things. So, she actually has a life, where I don’t. Well, I do, But not as busy a one as her. I could, but that’s a lazy factor again.

I cannot tell you how hard this has been to type out. Or how hard it is to keep the tears at bay. I feel like an emotional wreck. Watching a show on TV this afternoon really got me thinking. It was the way they presented a few things. The guest person was Valerie Bertinelli. She has lost 40 pounds & kept it off for almost a year now. So anyways, to show us what 40 pounds of fat looks like, they had a pile of it out there. OMG. That was sobering to see. Then they had her just stand & jump up & down. They handed her 2 20 pound dumbbells & told her to now jump again. This is the difference 40 pounds makes. It was neat to see. I think watching the show got me thinking & is what has prompted this long minded entry.

My back has been hurting for the past 3 or so days. I don’t know if it’s directly related to my weight or not. Could be how I’m sleeping, or sitting or whatever. It’s my lower back, around the sciatic nerve area. Maybe this is what I need to get off my ass. I’ve taken the baby steps with my food, so why not take them with my overall health too? I know I won’t succeed if I try to “diet & exercise”. I have to change my life.

It’s kinda funny. I know that if I can just get started, I’ll be fine. I know I’ll feel better. I’ll have more energy. I’ll want to eat even better. I’ll feel better about who I see in the mirror. I now I’ll sleep better too. And sex is better when you feel sexy.

I don’t know when exactly I’ll be ready to take the plunge into the gym. I feel like it will be soon. I don’t expect answers from this. I just felt the need to get my feelings out.