random update

 Since the last real (personal)entry, we’ve gone down to visit Dad & Neva. It was a nice visit. We had not gone down there since they moved so it was cool to see their new home & a bit of the area. They have a nice house, newer than the one they had here & it seems to fit them. Dad took us to an area winery that he & Neva enjoy going to. We had lunch there in a beautiful setting. The food & wine were both good too. I look forward to going back in warmer weather when they have the courtyard open & fountains running. That part looked so peaceful. The roads around there tho are insane to a newcomer. We were so lost trying to go somewhere on our own. In all, it was a nice visit.

I keep thinking about the gym. I think I’m about ready to just go. I hope they have some sort of help to get you going & set up on a routine of sorts, or something. It would suck if we had to pay extra for that. Guess I got spoiled with the last place. We’ll see where it goes. I’ve thought a bit more on who to ask to come with me since the daughter is working nights & doesn’t really have the time to go with me. It may take more thought than I first thought. LOL

My life is pretty boring these days. I keep the house clean, food cooked, laundry done, etc. Other than that, I’m not doing much. I am working on getting coupons organized to better share with people. Exciting huh? I watch my soaps, look for work, surf the internet. I need some more human interaction. But I don’t wanna be around depressing people. I certainly don’t need that.

Now that I’ve gotten a handle on our changing food & the coupons, & the group, I need to get our taxes done. More exciting stuff. Not. I guess the biggest reason I’m not looking forward to it is the fact I did not keep the most organized records for the bit of business I had. So I have to gather all that before I get started. The basic stuff is easy, that one form is the booger. Then I also have to see about the daughter. Since she lives with us, is a full time student & all that, we may be able to claim her one last time.

I got to talk to my boyfriend down in FL night before last. It was so nice. We chatted for about an hour. He had just gotten out of the hospital, again. 2 weeks this time. They found a spot & he wasn’t taking any chances so he told them to take it out. Now, there is nothing left in him that even remotely looks like it could develop into another spot. Cancer sucks ass. He sounded more like himself while we talked. When we visited in November, it felt like that might have been our last time ever seeing each other. I know we all cried afterward. I love that guy so much, it would tear my heart apart to lose him to such an ugly disease. I have kept him in my good thoughts for years now. I hope that someone has heard me.

It's Deep & Just how I'm feeling right now ...

You know how you want to do something but it’s hard to get going? You know you should get started … but you are too lazy to take that first step? No matter how much you realize it’s the right thing to do & you will be such a better, happier & healthier person because of it? That’s me right now. I’m working on eliminating some things from my food pantry. I’m trying to slowly work towards eating better. So why am I having such a hard time taking the step to go exercise? I don’t know. I don’t like the person I see in the mirror, especially naked. I don’t like the extra weight I’m carrying. I’m not happy with myself.

I can talk about so many other things but when it comes to taking care of my weight, I fail. I can sit here all day long & talk about a million things. Never my weight or my lack of motivation to change. I’ve struggled with this all my adult life. When I got pregnant at 17 with my first child, I gained quite a bit of weight. The doctors never told me that I shouldn’t literally eat for 2. Or that I should stay active. Or that I should do certain exercises after childbirth. 4 years later, with my second child, I again gained weight. This was not good since I never totally lost the weight from the first child. I still was not given the info about how to take care of myself or how to get weight back off afterward. Sad. And I was only 22 by this point.

I’ve gone to gyms several times in the last 25 years. Most of the time it seemed like a chore. Or something I was supposed to do. Not something I really wanted to do. The last gym I went to was in Florida. My oldest daughter bought me a one year membership. I was at a point in my life where I was ready to go, alone even. I wanted to change. Once I got into the habit of going, it became addicting. I loved it. I loved how I felt. I was losing weight, toning up & feeling better. Then a hurricane came & shut down the town for weeks. By the time the gym was reopened, I had lost my drive. It was just gone. Perhaps it was the life changing experience of the hurricane. Who knows. Whatever the reason, my drive was just gone.

Last year I thought I was ready to try again in a gym. But I felt like I needed a buddy. Not sure why. I talked about how cool it would be to go to a gym again. I even got kind of excited. My daughter began to get excited too. She wanted something to help her tone up & lose a few pounds too. So, being the wonderful daughter she is, she bought a one year membership for both of us to a local gym near our home. This was to be my holiday gift from her.

Then, she got the job working as a night stocker. Her life changed. She is now getting most of the exercise she wants from work. She’s already lost weight. She sleeps when I’m awake. I sleep when she’s awake. How are we going to be able to go to the gym together? Well, we’re not. We talked & she said the only time might even think about going now would be on a day off. And that’s a maybe. I previously wrote about me asking 2 friends to go with me. It turns out that the first friend I asked is not going to work. I think we are at different points in our lives. Her priorities are way different than mine. There is another friend I can ask. I'm not sure she would go either tho. I know she would welcome the free membership. But I don’t know that we could coordinate our schedules to go together. She is a SAHM but is active in our fellowship & other things. So, she actually has a life, where I don’t. Well, I do, But not as busy a one as her. I could, but that’s a lazy factor again.

I cannot tell you how hard this has been to type out. Or how hard it is to keep the tears at bay. I feel like an emotional wreck. Watching a show on TV this afternoon really got me thinking. It was the way they presented a few things. The guest person was Valerie Bertinelli. She has lost 40 pounds & kept it off for almost a year now. So anyways, to show us what 40 pounds of fat looks like, they had a pile of it out there. OMG. That was sobering to see. Then they had her just stand & jump up & down. They handed her 2 20 pound dumbbells & told her to now jump again. This is the difference 40 pounds makes. It was neat to see. I think watching the show got me thinking & is what has prompted this long minded entry.

My back has been hurting for the past 3 or so days. I don’t know if it’s directly related to my weight or not. Could be how I’m sleeping, or sitting or whatever. It’s my lower back, around the sciatic nerve area. Maybe this is what I need to get off my ass. I’ve taken the baby steps with my food, so why not take them with my overall health too? I know I won’t succeed if I try to “diet & exercise”. I have to change my life.

It’s kinda funny. I know that if I can just get started, I’ll be fine. I know I’ll feel better. I’ll have more energy. I’ll want to eat even better. I’ll feel better about who I see in the mirror. I now I’ll sleep better too. And sex is better when you feel sexy.

I don’t know when exactly I’ll be ready to take the plunge into the gym. I feel like it will be soon. I don’t expect answers from this. I just felt the need to get my feelings out.

what a dreary day outside

I see I missed a few days. Not much tho. Not much exciting happened either. Last night tho, we went to Joy’s for the group meeting. It was nice. We caught up a bit then got into talking about 2012. The topic provided for much conversation as there are many views on what may happen when the time comes. I put out feelers for the group I want to get going & some seemed interested so that’s cool. I think it’ll be a lot of fun to learn in a group environment.

So hubby got his paycheck that covered his time off. Yuck! I have no idea exactly how we’ll make it until the next check, but somehow we always do.

I mentioned my daughter getting us a gym membership for Christmas. Well, it was purchased before she went on nights. Since then we’ve tried to figure out how we can go together. It’s just not working out. We talked about her seeing if she could get her money back & we’d put it towards home gym stuff instead. She is not one to confront people, so that went nowhere too. She knows that I would love to go to a gym, but hey, I’ll be flexible & do whatever. So the latest mention was for me to see if one of a couple friends would wanna go with me. I had 2 people to choose from. Amy & Cindy. I approached Cindy first because she deals with depression & my thought was maybe something positive like this would help her. And she wants to lose some weight too. She has said yes, so we’ll see if it works out. If something falls thru, I’ll be asking Amy. I was really torn in who to choose. I want to spend more time with Amy. I am really enjoying our friendship. But, I also want to spend more time with Cindy. I miss our friendship as we don’t see each other as much. So, I guess choosing Cindy was the right choice. Especially if we get to move forward with the combining of our households with Amy.

*insert break for breakfast, then some out & about time with the hubby.

Hubby is now over at Joe’s for a bit. I’m just kinda here. Sitting around with one of those ‘eh’ moods. I hate those. I should be doing several things, but don’t feel like doing any of them. I think part of it is the gloomy day outside today. And it could also be the fact I’ve been off my pills for some time now.

Our herb order came the other day, but I have not sat & made more pills yet. I think that is because it seems to be such a daunting task since I’m all out. I’ll have to just make some every 2 weeks or maybe even every week so it’s not so big of a task.

I changed our sheets. Oh yay. I stood looking at the bedroom for a bit. It’s messy because things get piled in there. And I was looking at moving things around again too. Mainly to get the bed off the shared wall with the daughter’s room. That way, if the bed . . . ‘ahem’ . . . moves, it wont be hitting her wall. I opted to just leave things alone for the moment tho, since several things don’t belong in there & I should get those moved to a better place before tackling moving everything.

Well, guess I can see what I can find to occupy my time in front of this thing for a while.